Adventures with Ellie: Unromantic toilet dino donuts

This is going to be the most unromantic Valentine’s post you’ll read today, but hear me out. First, I’m not the one who’s good at being romantic… not at all. When you see my little boys fight over who gets to open doors for me, they didn’t get that from me – that’s all Brandon. He’s been the romantic one from the start. When we were in college, he was always doing things that were over-the-top romantic – even if it was “finding” a few dozen tulips at 2am on the way home from a night out with friends. Ha! I’m usually the optimist, he’s the realist, but he’s still romantic. He’s thoughtful and brings me surprises still. We’ve now been married for eight years – in this relationship for twelve, and while in the grand scheme of things, that’s not long – I’ve learned a lot. Let’s take a look at romantic Valentine’s greetings and break them down marriage style, shall we?

- “You’re my best friend.” This one is true-ish. My husband is my best friend, but it’s really important that we each have other friends, too. It’s important that we spend time with those friends because their bonds help strengthen ours. Okay, maybe I’m throwing this in here because I have a lot of outtings with friends – hahaha. I’m very social – I need them.

- “I couldn’t live without you.” This statement is hogwash. I could live without my husband. Literally, yes, I could. But do I want to? Nope. If something tragic were to happen to him, I’d be devastated… but I COULD go on living and working and being a mom. My heart and soul would never be the same, but I am a strong, independent woman and I could physically go on. I’m not dependent on him for my identity, my happiness, nor my sanity (okay, I lied about that last one). I’m not dependent on him for my wellbeing, my health, or my ability to maintain a household. Would I struggle? Absolutely. But the point here is that I don’t NEED him to live… but I very much want him in my life every day. It’s not about NEEDING someone – it’s about WANTING them there. And I think wanting someone by your side forever is actually better than needing him there.

- “Loving you is easy.” This one just hurts to say, honestly. Love and marriage aren’t easy. Maybe they are for other people, but they’re not for us. This takes work, y’all – and sometimes that work is ugly. In the twelve years we’ve been together, we’ve trudged through the gutters of addiction, depression, anxiety, brokenness (and broke-ness), and hardship – those are all in addition to the stresses of raising a medically complex child. While I truly feel like these experiences have made us stronger, when we’ve been in the thick of them, life was downright hard. Choosing to stay together (when going it alone sounded easier) was the best choice we could have made. Are we worn and ragged? Yep. Are we worn and ragged together? You bet.

- “You are the best spouse… best parent… etc.” I know for certain that I am NOT the best person for either of these jobs… and neither is my husband... but love and grace go a long way here. I’m not the best mom and I’m certainly not the best wife, but I do try… and effort counts twice. The most important thing on this one (for us) is that when your partner fails, toss them a frickin’ life line, okay? B knows when I’m drowning as a mom – I know when he’s drowning as a father – if we just make a point to be that little voice of encouragement when things suck, then hey – we’ve given grace and loved hard through those yuck times.

- “You’re always supportive and loving.” Bahahaha, I can’t even keep a straight face for this one. My husband is incredibly supportive and he’s incredibly loving – but always? Nope. And neither am I. I’m far more guilty of this than he is, though… FAR. I need to work on that. We’re human. We’re faulty. And sometimes, we’re downright mean… even to each other. Do we let the ugliness grow like a cancer? We try not to. We’re both very stubborn and we each have a special talent at returning fire with fire. We’ve been working on this for years. Don’t for a second think that either of us let the other walk all over us. We each have a little of that honey badger mentality when we need it.

- “You are my soul mate – the one person that God placed here for me.” I tend to believe in fate, but I do not think that God placed ONE person on this earth for me to find, marry, and live happily ever after. I actually think that God placed a bunch of people in this world that I’d need (not necessarily in a romantic relationship, of course)… and through different seasons of life, they’ve taught me the things I needed to be taught in order to grow into the person God intended me to be. Do I think Brandon is the right person for me to be with forever? Yes. And honestly, being with him has unquestionably taught me more about life and grit and grace than any other person has taught me.

- “You make me a better person.” I don’t have a single argument against this one. Despite all the other contradictions I have above, I really feel like my husband has helped mold me into a better person – and I think that he’s a better person than the day we met, too. So I think this one is holding true for us… and really, it’s my favorite on the list.

Okay, so this is all the cliché Valentine’s Day greetings I can think of right now. The truth is, marriage is not at all what I thought it would be when I was a starry-eyed teenager – but neither is adulthood, in general. Adulting is hard – so is marriage. Marriage takes work and grace (and love… but I knew that before). The cool thing about it, though, is that if this was easy, it’d also be easy to dismiss. When I look at my husband, I can fully appreciate the person that he is today – the person that he became through work and hardship and love. I hope that he sees the same in me. I sure don’t look the same as I did when we started dating (sorry about that, B)… but I hope that when he sees me, he sees so much more than this shell that carries my soul. That soul that I swore in front of God and our families that would be joined with his forever. For better and worse (check) richer and poorer (check… still waiting on that “richer” part), and in sickness and health (check). Marriage isn’t what I thought it would be – it’s actually deeper and more than I thought before. The roller coaster of it all sure makes the hills all that sweeter – it makes the valleys bearable. Here’s praying that our children grow up seeing us work through marriage – work through our hard times and live it up during the best times. Let’s hope they come out with an understanding that this is a partnership between two people and God and some days are harder than others, but it’s all worth it. Are we the only ones in this boat or can I get an amen?

Now to explain the title of this post… hehe. You already saw the unromantic part (that’s me, basically), “toilet” refers to Lance’s Valentine theme, “Dino” refers to Kaleb’s Valentine’s he brought today, and “Donut” refers to Ellie’s Valentines and snacks she’s bringing to school. We’re a weird messy bunch… and that’s the truth!

And here are some photos of B and I through the years!!